Shocked. Terrified. Astounded. And yet ironically-indifferent.
Ya, aku pentingkan diri. Ya, aku jahil, jahat dan lemah pemikiran. Bengap. Tidak rasional dan buta menghargai kawan-kawan. So what!?
Kalaulah dapat aku gambarkan situasi yang aku lalui dekat seminggu lalu. Aku menangis, menekap muka dengan bantal. Aku lelaki; aku mesti kuat. Membenci bukan sesuatu yang mudah.
Let me tell you a story about my former friend. He is now in Preparation Program for further study in Japan. He is my very best buddy during our SPM year.
He was a cute guy, with cute attitude and weirdly, strong personality. He joked a lot, and easily burst into laughter. The very first time I saw him, I know that this guy is my buddy.
It was during our Form Four when I did the same thing to him (like I did to "them"). I hated him, I mocked him and rivaling his every words. I rejected his ideas, saying "You are wrong!" or "Nah, he is lying!". It was really a tough time for him.
I tested him with actions, even I myself would never get over with. But still, he had always acted calm. He had still being the one who pated my back when I excelled and he had also been the guy who shouted, "You can do it!" *(I missed you a lot, buddy)
He was the nicest guy I have ever see, face-to-face. Behind my every harsh words, he instilled very professional gimmicks; and my rationale could not comprehend what was in his mind. But one thing stood clear: he liked to befriend with me.
After testing him for about 5 months; I learned something = I will never live happily in that school without him. And soon, I ended the test and he passed. He became my very best friend.
I tried to hide this of my agenda from others' sight. I want to keep this secret recipe of friendship out of others' knowledge. But the situation has worsened. And I think I should break this ingredient.
Sorry if my way, hurt you guys. Sorry if I did not give the best and tried my best. Sorry if my own term of happiness did not fit yours. Sorry for making you guys cried. Sorry for troubling you to a point; you broke into tears. Sorry because of me; you wasted another bucket of your precious tears. I am really, really sorry.
You hate me. That is my motive. Try to understand the scenario. And yeah, the question: "Siapa yang happy?? = Entah. Aku kot.
|AMAGADD.. I felt guilty|