This Hole In Me

Its 8:02 AM, people. The class is about to get started *actually it is on 9:00 AM, my man* Urgh, aahah; uhm (clearing throat) anyway, if you were to ask what I am right now, or just in case you want to know what I have come into being; I was and am like a FOREVERALONE man *why!?*

I do have friends, I do have families and BFFs, siblings and relatives; all of 'em; I repeat, all of 'em have given me the best life I will ever had *since you will only one life, I presume* but none can ever fill this lostness in me. It is so deep, I barely could see the light above once I fell down to it. That darn hole has been haunting me like since the day I know what life is. It has this set of arms that constantly pulling me to the abyss of it; and most of the time, I did fall.  

How could I ever close that hole? Or jump over that nightmare? the nightmare that incessantly holding me back from becoming a much better person. HOW!?

*I know it is not easy, Yassin. But you have got to try to overcome it. Be strong and remember Allah*

Yes I did. I always seek Allah's refuge at times when that nightmare creeps under my bed of faith. I used to be a strong person, Sven. But..

*Yassin, you are a strong prodigy, prove it! Prove to the whole world that you are the man who have defeated countless atheists and disbelievers in debates. Prove that you are a man of respect*

Sven, it is not the respect or fulfilling others' expectation that I run for. I live and tried to live for the sake of me; I lived happily, back then. But this giant, annoying indestructible hole will always be my biggest rival. What did I get from falling into it? Why for every lure, it managed to get the best of me? 

Every time it managed in seducing me, I slap myself, "Wake up, Yassin! It's just a dream, a bad one.." Despite the awareness, despite the realization that jumping into it is a grave mistake, I did jump again and again.

I sought after Allah SWT and keep on praying that somehow I will overcome this. Somehow I will be able to slay this hole and impale it with my sword of faith. But then, I lacked the determination. Oh Allah, you Hear this; only You can change my whole life.

Incoherent with the topic; merely an ornament.

Sometimes:- looking back at the mistakes that I have done and the sins that I have on my left shoulder, I feel ashamed; "Oh how can this so-called Jundullah failed to fight o'er such a small drainage?" *curse them!* no, Sven. Curse me. Maybe it is all too small; but I look it differently. I always ought to fall. I choose it.

*Aw, Yassin.. forgive me for not doing anything. I am just your imaginary friend :[* No, Sven. You are my best buddy. When the world turned all over me; you are there *with Allah's Permission* yes, of course. I thank so much  to Allah for endowing me such a nice imaginary guy *Yassin, you are the reason I love myself* *cut that out!*

Hmmph--I could only gasp when things are done. Let gone be bygone, they say. Why the hail they say things like that. It is not that easy; It is like cutting Giant Sherwood using the smallest scalpel. It is like searching needle in a whole Universe of haystack. It is so hard, people; can't you see it!? *Yassin, calm down.. guys, somebody, calm this guy down*

Au revoire, Earthlings. :(